Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
