I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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