I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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