getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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