I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
