Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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