Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
