im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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