a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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