He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize