I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
