what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
