I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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