HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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