if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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