so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
