Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
