I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize