I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
