I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
