I wish I could punch you in the face.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
be right there i have to get my cape
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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