My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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