I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
