I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
