You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
