I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I touched a dick in church today
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
