dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
