me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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