just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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