I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
