ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
