you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
