I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
