I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
