I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
