Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
