all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
