Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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