Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's blow job season.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
