guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
