I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
