Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Randomize
