but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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