You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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