I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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