You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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