Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
