I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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