he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
zippers are such a cool invention
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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