maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
