I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
