she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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