I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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