her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
