if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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