I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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