Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
