True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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