i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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