my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
