I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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